What if?

I have come to hate this phrase. It has ruined more opportunities in my life than you can possibly imagine. The problem is that when I hear this phrase, I don't just hear it once. It runs over and over and over in my head with a thousand different endings and possibilites...none of them ever good. They usually go something like this.....



What if I fail?



What if I don't get the job?



What if they don't like me?



What if I die?



What if he leaves me?



What if I lose?



For far too long, this is how I've lived my life, thinking that if I just stay where I am and don't do or say anything, nothing bad will happen. Because of that, I have a very long list of things I have never tried. I feel like that Meg Ryan line from "You've Got Mail"...."I've lived a small life, valuable, but small." Now that I've lived through something I thought would kill me...some days, I think it still may....I'm determined to try some of those things I've been afraid of.



If you know me, you would be shocked and amazed at some of the things I'm planning to try. Nothing outrageous by most standards, but definitely off the charts for me. Dad is going to teach me to shoot a gun. My brother has volunteered to take me fishing. Carol has made it her pet project to get me to take a motorcycle riding course with her....and get me on skis...and get me to sing karaoke. I'm realizing that Carol may be a bad influence.


When you're in the middle of something that you fear may be your demise, the old saying that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' just seems like salt in the wounds. However, once you are able to step back and gain some perspective, you realize that it really is true. So if you've already lived through the worst, what is there to be afraid of?


I'd like to revise my "what if" list.


What if I succeed?


What if I live a full and happy life instead of living in fear?


What if everyone loves me?


What if I win? What if I win big?


I don't really put much stock in New Years' resolutions. Those fade away before it's time to turn the page on the calendar. What I propose is a change of perspective, of direction for 2010. I intend to enjoy naps on the couch with my nephew because he won't be this little for long. I intend to learn all I can because knowledge is power. I intend to love even when it hurts. I intend to really live instead of saying what if.