This again?

The problem with being a planner is that for things to go exactly the way you have envisioned, you must be the one in control. While I often have delusions of grandeur and believe that I am, in fact, in control, I am definitely not. If I were, things would go very differently.



Here's the week I've had.....



The apartment that I've been planning to move into....don't think it's going to work out. That's been the plan since right after I got to Pennsylvania. But, alas, it's not to be.



Today I thought I had found a great deal only to be dissappointed again.



I thought that I had done well to make it to work on time even though the roads were icy, only to fall in the parking lot and miss the day of work because my lip was so swollen I couldn't talk and I was in so much pain I could barely walk.



Some issues I thought I had already worked through reared their ugly heads and took me back to a place I would give anything not to ever visit again. Not only do I have to work through that all over again, it is a painful reminder of why I am here and alone....and I have to feel that all over again also.



All in all, not the best week I've had in a while.



So I pose this question: Are these roadblocks detrimental to the journey or growth exercises for my emotional health?



Since the first 3 examples are only minor inconveniences that I'm sure will work themselves out, I'd like to focus on the last. As the issues are of a delicate nature involving an innocent party, I'm going to ask you to blindly follow me with very little detail. Think of it as a trust exercise. The bottom line is that I have to accept that things work out for some people and not for others. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. You can go through life doing everything that you know is right. You can read all the books and be more prepared than anyone. Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference.



As I analyze my emotions regarding this situation, I feel the anger rising. It's not fair. When you study for a test and know all the answers, it stands to reason that you should get an A. I did everything possible to make sure that I was prepared for marriage. I had read all the books, listened to advice from wise & learned friends with long, successful marriages, prayed for God's guidance. I had really put the time into preparing for this step. I was ready. So what went wrong? Why, even though I knew enough to ace the test, did I get a D(ivorce)?


As I finished that last paragraph, I heard the answer. That still, small voice that you only hear in quiet moments of earnestly seeking the answer....I made sure I was prepared, but I chose a lab partner who breezed through the cliff notes and said good enough.

To be fair, I did not know this at the time. He said all the right things and appeared to have put in the work, too. That's the problem with "good enough" people. They are excellent at making you think they are on the same page with you. In fact, they could care less about being prepared and doing their best. Their goal in life is to know just enough to say the right things to ambush some unsuspecting person to take them in. This obliterates their obligation to be competent at anything. The other side of that coin....there will always be a planner/caretaker looking for someone who needs them who will be duped by this treachery.

As I make this post-divorce journey, I am finding more and more that just when you think that you've put an issue away, something will come along to make you face it again. Is this because of some fault in my character? I don't think so. Is it because I obsess about my mistakes? Maybe a little, but I don't think that is the entire story. I think the best explanation is that sometimes we need to be reminded of what we've overcome so that we don't fall into the same trap again. It would be quite simple for me to say, "Ok, that didn't work out. Moving on." and never give it a second thought. But how would that benefit me? It doesn't.

While it's not healthy to become stuck in the revolving door of constantly reliving experiences, I think it is a good idea to periodically revisit issues and make sure that you are still progressing. If you are not so inclined as to do this for yourself, don't worry. Life has a way of forcing you to do what you should be doing for yourself. Accept it. Embrace it. Learn to love it, baby. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to the next issue you thought you'd moved past. They only become roadblocks if you keep running into the same one over and over and over and over......