We all know someone like this. She drives us crazy. We avoid her phone calls and dodge her in the grocery store because we know it's going to be the same conversation. She is going to whine and complain about her boyfriend/husband - current or ex - who is making her life miserable. She's going to ask for our advice and then not follow it. We've told her a million times to dump his sorry cheating butt and, yet, she continues to put up with it.
This week, I am sorry to say, I realized that I am that woman. Here's the story....
I woke up to a peaceful day off - no plans, no errands. I was free as a bird all day. The sun was shining. Birds were singing. Ok, that part was only in my head, but you get the picture.
Dark cloud, thy name is ex-husband.
An incoming text from him immediately sends my mood plummeting and my blood pressure sky rocketing. On a better day, I would have ignored the sarcasm. That day, my fingers did not obey my better judgement. Instead they gave in to the anger and resentment and fired off a scathing response. It was all downhill from there. That rejoinder lead to a volley of texts about why we are no longer together and why things didn't work. I would love to report that it ended with answers and resolution; but, alas, no. It ended the way it always does. More questions than explainations and lots of tears.
As if it weren't bad enough that I gave in to that impulse, what followed was worse. I immediately e mailed my best friend to tell him all about it. He's told me countless times to ignore any texts from the ex and reminded me that they only lead to pain and crying. Do I listen? Heck no. When he tells me that I deserve better, do I believe him? Not a chance. Do I continue to run to him crying and whining every time I get hurt because I did exactly what I shouldn't have done? You know it....every single time.
In the end, if we are really completely honest, we have all been that woman from time to time. When we aren't stumbling down that road ourselves, we all think that it will never happen to us, that we are somehow immune to that particular variety of blindness. Realistically, we will at some point be afflicted by it. So the next time that woman comes crying to you, maybe you could cut her a little slack and try to understand the pain that would cause a person to keep repeating the same pattern. Be a little gentle with her because she is you. She is all of us.
oh I am that woman, have been that woman, and will be that woman many more times before I leave this planet. it is only natural for us to put up our "tough" wall only for it to come crashing down from time to time. if we didn't have these occurrences, we would be emotionless beings. the bottom line is you are not alone, Sarah. it happens to us to remind us the good times will come again. :o)
ReplyDeletesorry Sarah I am not one of you and asking people to cut slack to someone who keeps doing the same negative things is like asking for sympathy for getting bite by the neighbors dog over and over when you know you should not go near that dog. here is a suggestion, however if you follow this one, you won't have a problem anymore, can you handle not having a problem? or do you thrive on these events to justify your existence? There is a feature on your phone that blocks numbers, use it, better yet change your phone number. Just think, a simple act like that and you won't have anything to cry about. Any woman or man that allows themselves to be subjected to verbal abuse when they can easily stop it and does not do so....must enjoy the pain, I am glad you have a friend who you can email with your repetitive behavior, how long before he stops answering those emails because he realizes you have become THAT woman. Do you then blog about him and how he let you down? Get some back bone and move on, there are children in this world in dire need of food, clothes, and comfort. You and your ex husband are just not that important.
ReplyDeleteOkay, anonymous. This is my cousin, and she's one of the strongest, most admirable women I know. If you don't have the decency to say this trash to her face, hiding under a veil of anonymity, then you don't have any right to disrespect her. I'm glad that you've never been in a horrible situation like the one she's in right now, but I have. It's not as simple as you make it seem. If you don't like what Sarah has to say, don't read her blog. There's this function, with your brain, that allows you to stop going to websites! :O shocking, yes? So if you are going to be rude and disrespectful to my cousin like this, you can just step off. You don't know her. She's a strong, wonderful, caring person, and she DOES matter. So why don't you grow some back bone yourself, and while you're at it, get some manners.
ReplyDeleteRachel
ReplyDeleteGlad you are supporting your cousin, I have the right to remain anonymous but if it makes you feel any better my name is Eve. No, it is not as easy as I make it sound, it's pretty darn hard. I have been through a divorce and lost a child from a horrible accident. So my advise comes from experience I would not wish on anyone, but I will still give the same advise over and over again to any woman whose ex husband is dragging her down and using the cell phone as a weapon. I read over and over again from women who are having their lives made miserable by an ex. I think you perhaps miss read my intent. While we all mourn that which did not end up being our dream please remember what was done to us and those who did it have to answer to a higher power. Do not give them the power to make you feel like "that woman" do what ever it takes to take back control of your emotions and your life don't let anyone make you feel bad because of what they say. If you do...they win and every time they win, they will do it again. If you can't really disconnect from them, than at least tell them " I am a good person and you are wrong to say anything different" If they feel any different it's their problem, if you know in your heart you did the right thing, then move on with a clear heart. It takes backbone to do this, real backbone, endless determination to pull yourself away from the negativity being pushed on you. Your cousin does matter to people who love her, If you love her help her to focus on all the good she is and learn how to not except the ex using the cell phone as a weapon. Sometimes the people who were suppose to love us, care for us, be true are the one's who hurt us the most. Sometimes they will say things that are incredibly hurtful. But that does not mean we have to tolerate it. If we do then their baggage becomes our baggage. I on a personal note have prayed endlessly to be a better person than the one who kept trying to drag me back to all the mistakes that were made. It's over, I will accept responsibility for my own mistakes, don't need a phone call to remind me or make me feel bad. My life changed in remarkable ways when I stood up for myself and just refused to communicate with that person anymore. I can be harsh with my advise, I will admit that but I have seen too many women down for too long because of someone else and it always makes me sad when I know if they let it go, disconnect, set real boundaries, their lives will change. This is a motto that I live by; There are three kinds of people in your life, those that add to it, those that subtract from it, those that multiply it. Associate with those who add and multiply to your life. And please remember a blog is out there for public consumption, you put it out there, not everyone is going to support you or like what you have to say. Don't get offended, the culture of the blog is an invitation for people to write what they feel, There are no "manners" as you perceive them. I could have very easily sent a reply that validated "that woman" but in my heart I did not think that was what she needed to hear, while people just don't want to hear about your ex husband was a cold statement I would rather say that than validate her feeling bad because of what he did say to her and her reactions to it.
Ok kids....here it is....
ReplyDeleteRachel - I love you for the wonderful, feisty woman you are growing to be. It will serve you well and keep you from letting anyone walk on you.
Eve - Thank you for your feedback. While it may have been harsh, it was real. This post was written out of the pain of that day. Prior to that, I had disconnected from him for quite some time and have not allowed him to do that again. The point was not to validate reacting that way, but more to say that things happen and you make mistakes even when you think you've moved past something. Forgive yourself, and move on. I am so sorry that you've been through a divorce and I could never imagine the pain of losing a child. If you'd ever like to e mail me, feel free. I have a feeling, given the right circumstances, we could be great friends. Please keep reading....and commenting! :)