When I went to bed last night, I thought maybe I had gotten this whim out of my system. I mean, how much can one person have to say? Turns out, it can be a lot! It may only be useful to me, but I doubt it, not because my words are important, but because there are too many people out there in the same sinking ship who feel alone and need to know they aren't. We are bound together by our experiences. This weekend, I had a friend throw me a life jacket and I'm determined to pay that forward and try to pass hope on to someone else.
Speaking of this weekend....Why is it that just when you think you are getting the hang of riding the divorce train, someone pulls the e brake and you find yourself flat on your face again? My cynical answer: the world IS out to get me. Realistically, sometimes that's the only way God can get our attention and get us to fall on our faces before Him. Let me explain.....
Last week, I was preparing for my final trip to Michigan - well, as far as this divorce business goes. It's been final for months. I've been on my obligatory first dates, all but one of which I refused to grant a second date. Things are good. I'm moving on. Pretty impressed with myself, actually. Got the crazy texts from the ex saying how much he misses me, even though he's been in a relationship with someone else since a month after he left...that didn't faze me. I am walking around thinking I've finally got it together and I'm going to make it through this. Then (cue the music....dun dun DUN) you guessed it, things were not fine.
I drive to Michigan, the first trip I've made by myself since all of this started. Jason goes with me to meet the ex to get the keys to the house. I didn't even blink. Handed him his stuff, he hands me the keys, we go our separate ways. No muss, no fuss, no drama....perfect, just the way I like things.
Little did I know that when I got to the house, there was a twist in the plot I had not and could not have prepared for. You see, I had grieved the past 4 years that I had lost of my life. I had grieved the fact that the man who promised to love me and cherish me and be there for me the rest of my life had said, "Eh, not so much on the forever thing, babe." What I didn't know, is that there was another piece of the puzzle...and it's a doozie. I had not grieved the future I was supposed to have and it hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as I was alone in that house.
Suddenly, all I could see were the Christmas dinners I would never cook, the children I would never bring home from the hospital - not to this home, all the Sequence nights with Pastor Dave & Miss Kris that would never be played. I could see it as if someone had painted a brilliant mural on the wall and I could hardly breathe. The pain went past the bone right to the core of my soul. What had I done to deserve this? Hadn't I been a good wife? I followed all the rules in the How to Be a Good Wife Handbook. So I sat in the middle of my empty living room floor and had a memorial service for my marriage. Morbid, you may say, but it had to be done. I cried a few decorous tears like a good widow and finished with the business of cleaning up after him one last time.
All was well (or so I thought) until I got in the car to drive back to Pennsylvania on Sunday. I had been on edge all day. I made poor Jason cry more than once with my sharp comments. I was in severe pain and keeping everyone away lest they accidently touch one of my open wounds.
As I pulled out of the driveway, I began to sob...not the decorous tears of the day before, but the ones that make you stop to catch your breath because it overwhelms your entire being. No longer trying to be brave, I call a friend. She talks for a few minutes, but then has to go. I look down the road over 6 hours of driving....alone....and I am like a drunken dialer trying to call everyone I know just to keep from being alone in the car. There are several numbers in my phone. Do you think anyone answered that day? Not a chance. God had something else planned for that day. The memo had not reached my desk, but I had an appointment for a real come to Jesus meeting and I was running late.
I put in a CD thinking it would be a good distraction. I'm pretty sure God chuckled as He put the CD in my hand and hit the shuffle button to make sure it was the exact song I didn't want to hear.....I'm Broken. The more I sang along with it, the more I cried. The more I cried, the more I thought about the advice that I'd been given the night before. "Pray for him....sincerely....not just telling God that he needs to deal with him because he's a tool, but earnestly pray for him." Cut off my right arm, you say? Would have been easier. I did not want to pray blessings on him - he left me. I don't want him to prosper - he took everything from me. I don't want him to be blessed - I want to shoot him. And I told God all of that, very loudly just in case He couldn't hear over the radio. He doesn't deserve all of those good things. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven for what he put me through for 4 years. And then there was that voice...you know the one....the one that says exactly what you do not want to hear because you know it's true. "Did you deserve to be forgiven for your mistakes?" Wind out of my sails! Muttering to myself as I rip the CD from the player, I decide to listen to something else.
And again, God chuckles.
If you have not heard CeCe Winans sing the song "Alabaster Box", please take this time to go listen to it before you read any further. This is the song that God had lined up next on the play list. While I'm still trying to absorb that somehow I have to forgive the jerk, the next lesson is getting ready to hit.....(music again.....dun dun DUN). I can't forgive myself until I forgive him. Soooooo not fair! I'm no longer legally bound to him, so why is my forgiveness tied up in his? I begin to pray, quietly at first, not wanting to seem any crazier than I already do to my fellow motorists. This continued for about 3.2 seconds until I broke just like that alabaster box. I prayed for my ex like I never had before - prayed mercy on him because he hasn't known grace like I have, prayed that he get the help he needs to carry the burdens he has to carry.
You see, friend, I had come to a crossroad. I could go on being angry - because I had every right to be angry. He treated me like dirt for nearly 4 years and then left me with nothing, not even a shred of self-worth. Or, I could choose a different path. I could choose to be a gracious and compassionate woman of God and let go of the anger, let go of the pain I had been wearing like a hair shirt to punish myself. I left that bag along the Ohio Turnpike and decided not to carry it anymore.
I traded the ashes of my failed marriage for the beauty of a contrite spirit. I don't say that to boast....I still got up the next day in need of an attitude adjustment, same as every day of my life, but there was a difference. The adjustment was my choice. Was I going to let circumstances decide my attitude? Not anymore. And when you get to that point, God will be there to meet you also. He won't let you go through that breaking point by yourself.
He may, however, make sure that none of your friends have working cell phones that day so that you have no choice but to talk to Him.
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