Mary, did you know it would be like this?

Throughout the Old Testament we find prophecy of the coming Messiah. Every Jewish mother thought her daughter might be the virgin to deliver this promise. I'm sure none of them considered what would actually be involved in the process. During the Christmas season, we reflect on the birth of Christ, but have we actually contemplated consequences to Mary for being the mother of the Son of God?

I'm sure that all the good Jewish mothers who had been hoping their daughters would be the chosen one of God were the first ones to gossip about Mary when the news got out that she was expecting. "A pregnant virgin. Sure. I heard that she was sneaking out to visit Joseph when no one was looking." Joseph himself barely believed it. He had to have an angel come to him in a dream before he was convinced.

As if that weren't bad enough, she was forced to travel when she probably wanted nothing more than to stay home with her swollen feet propped up. When I say travel, I don't mean riding in an Escalade and stopping at IHOP for brunch. No, this poor woman was ready to deliver any minute and was riding a donkey through the desert. Definitely not my idea of an ideal trip, and I'm not schlepping a 7 pound baby and 15 pounds of extra fluid.

Just when you think I've described the most horrible situation imaginable, may I remind you that Mary was forced to sleep, and eventually give birth, in a barn? I don't remember reading in the account of the birth of Jesus that Mary & Joseph were traveling with a doctor, a nurse, or even a midwife. This leads me to believe that Mary probably delivered alone or with the help of the innkeeper's wife, since men were definitely not permitted in the delivery room. Can you imagine what the mothers did with that? "The Messiah?...I don't think so. Do you think YWHW would allow His son to be born in a stable? That girl is crazy."

If you think that kind of talk didn't follow her everywhere she went as Jesus was growing up, you've never been to a PTA meeting.

The strength of women is overwhelming. Our tenacity takes us through things that men would never be able to endure. Embrace that. Love it. Let it carry you through when you feel like giving up. Tell the women around you how much you admire their fortitude. When you're tempted to talk about another woman, stop and think about what she might be going through. When you feel like sitting down and quitting, remember that you're not the one giving birth in a barn while the whole neighborhood is talking about you.

Mary didn't know and neither do we. All we can do is keep schlepping and hope we get out of the desert soon.

Can I get a do-over?

A friend recently found out that her husband - and I use that term very loosely - has been lying to her for 30 years. His "deceased" 1st wife has miraculously been resurrected. To add insult to more insult and injury and ickyness, he moved the supposedly-dead woman into a house down the street and has been having an affair with her.

My first reaction was, "WHAT????" After my head stopped spinning, my next thought was, "Thank you, God, for delivering me before I spent 30 years of my life with a liar."

As her story unfolds and I try to help her navigate the scariness of being separated, I've been retracing my own journey. I've relived the early days when I couldn't stop crying and only got off the couch long to take the dog outside. I've reminisced about when I started a new life in a new place with a new job and had no clue how I was going to make things work. I've listened to the echoes of the shattered vows we made. After all that, I can come to only one conclusion.

I went about this all wrong.

While I was trying to honor what I thought we had had together, he was plotting how he could end up with the house, the big tv, and the new girlfriend with no arguments from me. What I should have been doing was making some calls to find a guy named Vinnie who knows a guy who could make my problem disappear. Fineto. If I had I wouldn't still be dealing with him 2 years later.

The problem with do-overs is, how do you know how far back to go to start over? Should I go back to the day he left me and hire a hitman to get rid of him? Should I go back to the day I met him and stay home? Should I go all the way back to 3rd grade and not learn how to use a computer so that I wouldn't one day meet him online?

In the end, we have to just accept that we've made the best choices we could with the information we had at the time. Sometimes we're operating with corrupted data. Sometimes we trust the wrong people. But all of the things that have happened thus far have molded and shaped us into the people we are, for better or worse. So while I may occasionally fantasize about ripping the ex limb from limb, I wouldn't be at this place in my life if I hadn't lived through those painful years. This is the place I'm supposed to be.

I guess that means he gets to live....for now.


DISCLAIMER: This blog is only talk and wishful thinking. I have no actual intention of hiring Vinnie to make the ex problem fineto. If something happens to him, I will not be held responsible for wishing it on him.

Changes

Change is scary. This is an absolute, irrefutable fact. Well, it is in my world. Routine means safety. It also means that you'll never have anything different than what you already have.

Some changes are forced upon us; some we choose. I didn't choose for my ex to leave me. I did choose to remain strong and survive it. But it's not enough to just survive. Therefore, I've made some changes of my own.

Over the last few months I've not had much time for blogging because I've been occupied with remodelling my life. My new apartment is great. OK, the neighbor situation is less than ideal, but no place is perfect. Tomorrow I start a new job. I'll finally be working in the field I want to study. That means no more crazy stories about insane guests' phone calls...and a regular Monday through Friday schedule. Hallelujah! I've been delivered from customer service! The new relationship - not so new anymore - is more amazing than I know how to express. I've never felt so loved in my life. The pedestal is a little intimidating at first, but really great once you get used to it.

Preparing for the first day of my new job has made me reflect on all the transformations in my life over the past few years. It broke my heart when he left. But if he hadn't, I wouldn't have what I have now. The pain of my marriage failing is nothing compared to the pain I would have endured to keep it. I think of how miserable, how excrutiating every day was and I can't believe how blessed I am. The day I drove here to start my new life, all I could see was the end of my old one.

Change is scary. It's also inevitable. As long as you hold on to what you have, you'll never be able to welcome anything new into your life. And the new things are sometimes better than you could have imagined.

On My Own

I think Patti LaBelle speaks for all of us in the song "On My Own". This isn't how it was supposed to be. When we looked at the rings they put on our fingers and said with tears in our eyes, "Yes, I will marry you!"; when we walked down the aisles on our fathers' arms wearing those gorgeous white dresses; the first time we signed something with our brand new last names.... I don't think any of us imagined at those times that this is where we would be.

And yet....

Here I am.

I never dreamed that I'd be moving into another apartment. Alone. Cooking dinner for only 1 person. Alone. Thanks to the fact that Mitzi doesn't have thumbs, I will have sole control of the thermostat and remote. Ok, I didn't mean to be distracted by the perks of this. But even those are hollow victories, reminding me that I don't have to compromise because it's just me. Alone.

I think the key to surviving this phase is to shift focus from the repetitive "on my own", to the end of the song - "I've got to find where I belong again....I've got to learn to be strong again...I have faith that I will shine again....I have faith in me....". Let those lines ring through your spirit and remind you of how far you've come.

Remember that even on your own, you're not alone. I know it feels that way. I struggle with it all the time. In those times when you feel the loneliness closing in on you, trying to suffocate you, know that there is One who sticks closer than a brother (or sister!). I can say with assurance that, though I have failed Him, He has been there even when I didn't realize it. When I thought I couldn't go through one more day of this treacherous post-divorce journey, He was the one there whispering, "You can do it. I'm here."

Divorce may not have been part of God's design, but comforting and encouraging us is. Let Him do His job - on His own - so He can make this new experience of being on your own again easier than you expected.

Driving Lessons

Riding in the car recently, I found myself behind a car that couldn't seem to stay centered in the lane. It wasn't the erratic swerving of an intoxicated or distracted driver, but rather the gentle swaying back and forth of someone uncertain of his bearings. As I passed the car, I saw the reason printed on the side of the car: STUDENT DRIVER.

Very well I remember the days when I was learning to drive. I had the same zigzag to my driving and could not imagine what was causing it. When I asked my dad, he had the answer right away. He told me to look into the distance, to aim for my target, and to stop looking at the end of the hood of the car. By driving too close, as he called it, I was constantly trying to make adjustments that I didn't need to make. When I started looking a little further down the road to where I wanted to go, instead of trying to micromanage my exact position, the problem disappeared. I was finally able to drive in a straight line.

How many of us live our lives like that? We're so enthralled in focusing a microscope on this minute, this tiny moment of time, that we lose all sight of our goals.

Today I am choosing to put away the microscope and pick up my sunglasses. I have some driving to do.

Love is...

"I know he loves me, but he just doesn't know how to show it."

"He loves me in his own way, but his parents weren't loving people so he doesn't really know how to love."

"You just don't understand him. That's just the way he is."


If you've been in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you've probably used one of these excuses. Or some variation of them. Or a million more. You may have even blamed yourself and said it's your fault because you don't know how to accept love - your parents didn't teach you, no one ever really loved you.

Blah, blah, blah. Nothing more than excuses.

The truth is that, if you are making excuses for your relationship, there is no love. If the sentence starts with, "He loves me...." and continues with a "but....." instead of just a period at the end of the statement, he really doesn't.

Trust me. I learned this the hard way.

Maybe he didn't learn from his parents how to treat someone. Maybe you haven't ever been treated like a queen. I've recently realized that when someone really loves you - really, truly loves you from the bottom of his heart, with every fiber of his being - the whole world will know. He doesn't have to be taught to think of you first. It just happens.

If you have any doubts about whether he really loves you, compare it to the model in I Corinthians.

If the "love" he has for you doesn't line up with this, please ask yourself why you would accept it. You may not believe it now, but you are worth it and you deserve it. God thinks so, too. Let Him be the parent that teaches you how to love and be loved.

Forgiveness, like truth, will set you free.

I'd like to begin this post with an apology for my absence and a few updates. While I'm not yet ready to name names, I will admit that I have been a little preoccupied with a certain person who is more than a passing acquaintance and have not had a lot of spare time for blogging. Grill me if you must, but for now my lips are sealed. That's all you're getting on the subject for now. In other news, I have crossed something off my "afraid to try" list. I am here to report that I have shot a gun, actually enjoyed it, and no one was harmed. I highly recommend trying something that you've always been afraid to do.

Now, for the real story....

Anyone who says hard work doesn't pay off has no idea what he is talking about. It does, but it's a long term investment not a get rich quick scheme. For nearly 2 years, I have been reading the book Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. Please do not ask what page I'm on. Let's just say there has been a lot of repetition...and I had to start over at one point. Not an easy or entertaining read, but I am determined to finish it. Today, however, I discovered that it has not been a colossal waste of time.

One of the downfalls of divorce is that, even though your connection to this person has been legally severed, there are aspects of your life that refuse to acknowledge this. Car loans are definitely more iron clad than a marriage contract. Because of this, I do occasionally still have to acquiesce the existence of my ex. Today, much to my chagrin, was one of those times.

My conversation with him today began as most with him do - lots of talking without really saying anything. Once I managed to move him past this stage, unfortunately, he moved to more dangerous waters - why we didn't work. Without hesitation, I told him it was water under the bridge that had long since past. Not long ago, the mere fact that he called me would have sent me into a tailspin. Now, here I was talking to him without crying, without panic AND telling him to let it go. Was I living in a parallel universe? Had my body been taken over by aliens? How could I stand there and calmly tell him that after all he had done to me? I have a right to be hurt and angry. He did me wrong and then left me, after all.

Epiphany of the day - Holding on to the pain and the anger, even though I have every right to feel those things, does not hurt him. It only eats away at me from the inside and ruins my life.

So the choice is this...I can either hold onto the animosity and anguish that I am entitled to feel as a betrayed ex wife and let him continue to have control over my life. OR...I can take that power back from him and let go of those counterproductive emotions and move on. Yes, he now gets to go through life feeling like he got away with something because I'm no longer punishing him. I got something, too. I got my life back. I got my sense of empowerment back. I got freedom from him. That is worth more to me than proving that I was right and he was wrong. That forgiveness was for me.

Tonight, ringing through my mind is the old slave spiritual, "Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!".

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like These

Looking over the last month, it would be easy to say it's been a month of bad days. Easy, but not entirely accurate. I've spent a lot of those days sick, in pain, or medicated to the point of being non-functional; however, there have been good days scattered among the trying ones. Why do we allow the not-so-great to very often overshadow the positive in our lives?

Today I decided to take advantage of the fact that I was already miserable to take on a very unpleasant task I have been avoiding for a year now. When I arrived in Pennsylvania and moved my boxes that contain all my worldly posessions into Dad's Storage unit, aka the garage, I handed him a box and asked him to put it somewhere that I didn't have to see it or deal with it until I was ready. What was in the box, you ask? As Randy Travis would say, it was a box of bones, "memories of a love that's dead and gone". Engagement and wedding pictures that remind me of nothing but failure.

There is my point. When I look at these photos, all I see is a girl who should have known better but didn't. I see a guy that, quite honestly, I feel sorry for. I used to feel hate, contempt, anger. Lately, those have been replaced by indifference and pity. The girl in those pictures, the girl I used to be, felt none of those things. She thought she was starting out on a life-long adventure with the man of her dreams. It would be simple to focus on the bad and the painful. But if I hadn't gone through that, I would never have known the joy of being the mother (yes, I know, I wasn't really her mother) of the most wonderful little girl in the world.

As I look at my favorite snapshot from that day, I see 2 girls: one only 5, one the wise old age of 26. Both of them are decked out in gorgeous white dresses, sparkling tiaras fit for the princesses they are, and bright smiles. She was the joy of my life, the center of my world. Everything revolved around being her mother. It was more pleasant to focus on the relationship that came easy since nothing about the relationship with her father was unaffected.

Now, five long years later, I'm facing another Mothers' Day, still without my mother. Now without either of my grandmothers and without a daughter. I have no one to celebrate this holiday with or for. I wonder sometimes if she was my only chance for motherhood. Sure, I have Mitzi, but spoiled as she is, a pound puppy just can't take the place of a daughter. Looking through these photos made me realize once again that my life is forever changed. I can't go back. As painful as those 4 years were as Mrs. L, I wouldn't trade them for anything because the 4 years of being E's mama were the greatest gift I've ever had.

With that, I go to bed tonight smiling through the tears, looking at the good instead of the bad, and hoping with all my heart that tomorrow is not another day like this. I don't know how many more my heart can take.

Blessing, Thy Name Is Grandma

April Fool's Day is amusing to most people. To me it marks the beginning of a tortuous season of regretting bad decisions - well, that one decision - and missing two of the most amazing women ever to grace this earth...my grandmothers. In a ten day span I get to reflect on Grandma & Pappaw's wedding anniversary, the day I became legally bound to the ex, the day he became the ex, and both of my grandmothers' birthdays. That's a lot of emotion to cram into such a small space on the calendar.

When I sat down to write this entry, my intention was to vent some of that emotion that I haven't had a chance to process this year since I've been ill. Instead, I am making the conscious decision to celebrate the great and wonderful memories that I have. There's no point in dwelling on the mistake that I made. It's done. I lived to tell about it, which is more than many women can say. Focusing on the pain of the last day of being Mrs. L only grants him more emotional importance than I am willing to grant him at this time of my life.

What I do have are two strong, caring, compassionate women that I was blessed to have as grandmothers to whom I can pay homage. It was my incredible privilege to know them as people, not just as "Grandma". As I was growing up, much of my time was spent in their kitchens learning to cook and listening to stories about when they were little girls, when they were young mothers raising my parents. Thanks goodness I took the time to hear their wisdom, even though I didn't understand it at the time. Those tidbits were filed away and when I needed them, there they were. Grandma had already told me the answer to the problem years before it came along.

This writing session started out as a pity party for me. Instead, I'd like to put that aside and say how thankful I am for every single day that I spent in the presence of my remarkable matriarchs. Without them I would not be the person I am today; I would not have made it through the trials that life has brought my way. The lessons I learned sitting on their knees have been some of the most valuable I could ever learn. My grandmas are just one more example of how God provides for me before the need appears. Thank God for grandmas, especially mine.

Misunderstood

"sorry Sarah I am not one of you and asking people to cut slack to someone who keeps doing the same negative things is like asking for sympathy for getting bite by the neighbors dog over and over when you know you should not go near that dog. here is a suggestion, however if you follow this one, you won't have a problem anymore, can you handle not having a problem? or do you thrive on these events to justify your existence? There is a feature on your phone that blocks numbers, use it, better yet change your phone number. Just think, a simple act like that and you won't have anything to cry about. Any woman or man that allows themselves to be subjected to verbal abuse when they can easily stop it and does not do so....must enjoy the pain, I am glad you have a friend who you can email with your repetitive behavior, how long before he stops answering those emails because he realizes you have become THAT woman. Do you then blog about him and how he let you down? Get some back bone and move on, there are children in this world in dire need of food, clothes, and comfort. You and your ex husband are just not that important."





This is the feedback I received today on my post "I've become THAT woman". When I started this blog, I knew that not everyone would get it. That's ok. I don't write for everyone. I knew that I was taking a chance by putting myself out there. That's ok. It's for someone. There are some points of this upon which I would like to expound.



First and foremost, I know, more than anyone, that I, my ex husband, and my problems are not that important. I know that there are suffering people of all ages in the world and I pray for them daily. This blog was started out of pain and lonliness - and a deep compassion to help other women in the same situation to never feel that isolated and alone. What they live with may seem trivial to someone who has never been in that situation, but it's not. It eats away at your very soul. They, too, are starving and suffering. I write my story to show that there is hope, not because I feel that what I have to say is so important that it must be proclaimed.



Through all of this, my family and friends have been more loving and supportive than I could have ever imagined. They've been strong for me and held me up when I thought I couldn't take another step. I pray that every person has such a great support system.



In no way, whatsoever, do I support enabling negative patterns of behavior. Trust me, neither does my friend. Does he listen? Absolutely. Does he support me? More than you can imagine. Does he tell me it's ok to keep doing it? Not a chance. My point is this - when THAT woman comes to you, instead of judging her harshly, why not show her some compassion and gently tell her that she is strong and can deal with this another way, that she doesn't have to accept the abuse? Maybe you could be that person who helps her believe in herself enough to stop the abuse. Thankfully, I had someone to do that for me and I broke the pattern of behavior. Sometimes all it takes is that one person to tell you that you can do it, that they believe in you, and that they will be there for you no matter what.

The only comment made by Anonymous that I disagree with is this: "Any woman or man who allows themselves to be subjected to verbal abuse when they can easily stop it and does not do so....must enjoy the pain." I don't know if Anonymous has ever been in this situation, but, for me, it happened slowly over time. I hardly noticed what had happened until it was too late. You let things slide because he had a bad day at work. You ignore that he's been screaming at you for an hour because he's just stressed. Before you know it, that's the only way he talks to you and you can't put your finger on when it changed. If I could have "easily stopped it", trust me I would have. It's not easy, but it can be done. I have done it...finally....through the love and support of my friends and family and the strength that only comes from God.

This is what I mean by cutting THAT woman some slack. If you haven't walked in her shoes, you don't know the pain she's carrying. I am definitely not asking you to tell her it's ok to keep allowing the abuse. Absolutely, by all means, take her by the shoulders and tell her it is NOT ok. Then hug her and allow her to cry. Support her and tell her that you will keep supporting her until she is strong enough to walk on her own.

Ultimately, I think that Anonymous and I are on the same page, but giving different interpretations. Even if we aren't, that's ok. I support his/her right to express an opinion about what I have to say. It takes back bone to put your opinion out there. Good for you, Anonymous! Keep standing up for yourself. Be an example for THAT woman everywhere. We can show them, one woman at a time, that they deserve better and that it is possible to put an end to the abuse in their lives.

If Snowflakes Had Feelings....

As I stood outside last night watching the snow softly fall, a strange thought occurred to me. If snowflakes had feelings, what would they feel? My first inclination was that the snowflake I was watching probably felt very insignificant. How could one feel otherwise as one of billions? After all, it's just a snowflake. But as I watched them pile higher and higher, I was struck by the awesomeness of this realization: among all those billions of snowflakes, each one is special and unique, completely different from every other flake.

How many times have we looked around and felt inconsequential, completely ignoring the fact that our Father sees how extraordinary and exceptional we are?

Tonight, I leave you with this thought - take time to appreciate the individuality of those around you....and yourself.

A Bend in the Road

I look down the road to the plans I once had made.
Suddenly, they don't seem as clear.
The road is snowy and much more twisty than I had anticipated.
The end I thought I could see
Is no longer visible. I hesitate. Continue forward?
Or turn around, back to the last place
I knew with certainty that I was safe?
I choose to press on, just a little futher,
Just to see what is around the next corner.
No longer can I see the road, not at all. My usual frantic pace,
Now slowed to a crawl.
Part of me wants to stop and wait out the storm.
Part of me knows it will never pass.
No, I must continue if I am to find my way.
Will this road lead to misery and heartbreak?
Quite possibly.
But that is what will most assuredly be my fate
If I don't find out where it goes.
Sadness, I can tolerate; uncertainty,
What might have been, unthinkable.
Terrified, but exhilarated....around the bend I go,
Where this may lead, who can know?

I've turned into THAT woman!

We all know someone like this. She drives us crazy. We avoid her phone calls and dodge her in the grocery store because we know it's going to be the same conversation. She is going to whine and complain about her boyfriend/husband - current or ex - who is making her life miserable. She's going to ask for our advice and then not follow it. We've told her a million times to dump his sorry cheating butt and, yet, she continues to put up with it.



This week, I am sorry to say, I realized that I am that woman. Here's the story....



I woke up to a peaceful day off - no plans, no errands. I was free as a bird all day. The sun was shining. Birds were singing. Ok, that part was only in my head, but you get the picture.



Dark cloud, thy name is ex-husband.



An incoming text from him immediately sends my mood plummeting and my blood pressure sky rocketing. On a better day, I would have ignored the sarcasm. That day, my fingers did not obey my better judgement. Instead they gave in to the anger and resentment and fired off a scathing response. It was all downhill from there. That rejoinder lead to a volley of texts about why we are no longer together and why things didn't work. I would love to report that it ended with answers and resolution; but, alas, no. It ended the way it always does. More questions than explainations and lots of tears.

As if it weren't bad enough that I gave in to that impulse, what followed was worse. I immediately e mailed my best friend to tell him all about it. He's told me countless times to ignore any texts from the ex and reminded me that they only lead to pain and crying. Do I listen? Heck no. When he tells me that I deserve better, do I believe him? Not a chance. Do I continue to run to him crying and whining every time I get hurt because I did exactly what I shouldn't have done? You know it....every single time.

In the end, if we are really completely honest, we have all been that woman from time to time. When we aren't stumbling down that road ourselves, we all think that it will never happen to us, that we are somehow immune to that particular variety of blindness. Realistically, we will at some point be afflicted by it. So the next time that woman comes crying to you, maybe you could cut her a little slack and try to understand the pain that would cause a person to keep repeating the same pattern. Be a little gentle with her because she is you. She is all of us.

Semper Paratus!

This evening I had an epiphany. I know, I say that a lot, but I really like that word. This realization honestly was big enough to merit the elite status of epiphany. Hold on to your hats, seats, or any stray children that may be blown away by this announcement: I think God is OCD.

Before you start screaming sacrilege and get ready to excommunicate me, let me explain.

I've spent the last few hours chatting online with a friend, our usual routine. During the course of the conversation, the discussion turned to the serious subject of my divorce. We had not previously discussed this and he didn't know the details since we've reconnected via Facebook post-divorce.

As I was regaling him with the drama that is my life, I began telling him how things have come together in amazing ways. For instance, even though I made a misinformed decision (I am choosing to stay positive and NOT call it a mistake) that led me to marry someone who lived far away from any of my family, allowing him the opportunity to isolate me, what are the odds that he would live in the next town from 2 of my very best friends in the entire world? God put those friends in my life almost 10 years before I met my ex. Through one of those friends, God introduced me to my very dear friends who pastor and counsel. When I was trying to hold things together, they were there to offer counseling, prayer, strength, wisdom....anything I needed.

This was the first time that I had thought of things in this context. While I was typing the words on the screen, I was overwhelmed by the love and peace of God. To think that He is supremely prepared, even for our mistakes, and makes provision for us before we even encounter the situation is an awesome concept. Through this conversation, God brought to life in a new way this verse: "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 NIV.

Even as I type this story again, it is astonishing to me that God looked down the road and saw where I would be and what I would need and put people in my life TEN YEARS before I needed them, just to make sure that I had what I needed when I needed it. How much does He love us to be that prepared? So, yes, I have decided that God is a little OCD.

Tonight, I am filled with praise and love for my God who prepares our way before us. He does not lead us in paths that He has not already travelled.

He is our El De'ot, the God of knowledge, having perfect knowledge of all things from beginning to end.

He is El Rachum, the God of compassion. He is touched by our pain, our infirmities.

He is El Roi, the God who sees me, even in my affliction.

He is El Shaddai, the all sufficient God.

He is Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord that provides.

He is Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord that heals.

The list of ways that God reveals Himself and His love for us is never ending. We are the apples of His eye, the loves of His life. I don't know about you, but I feel much safer living my life now that I have realized that, no matter how many mistakes I will make - and I will make them - my God already knows what they are and has a bailout plan prepared. Tonight, I go to bed feeling a little less OCD knowing that God already is more prepared than I ever will be.

The things she'll never see.....

This evening I've been on an inexplicable crying jag. It's not the anniversary of anything. I haven't been delving into the photo archives. Nothing happened to upset me. Nevertheless, I feel this overwhelming longing to hear my mother's voice, to be able to tell her everything that's been happening lately. This doesn't happen as often as it used to, but when it does it hurts just as much as it did the first time I realized that I would never, ever on this earth have the comfort of knowing that I could run to her with my problems.

As I sat in front of the computer contemplating why I feel this way, the screen saver began its never ending parade of photos, old and new. The old ones were oddly comforting. The new ones were the ones that today tore at my heart. I looked at how much Daniel has grown and instead saw all of his milestones that she'll never see....this beautiful grandson that carries her blood who will never get to know what an amazing woman his grandmother was. My cousins who loved to bake with Aunt Pam when she came to visit....she'll never see them walk down the aisle as breathtaking brides. If I ever do again find love, she won't be there to make sure that I don't make the same mistake twice. It took us so long to build the relationship and the friendship that we had the last few months of her life, only to have it snatched away too quickly.

Tonight I weep, not for the past, but for the future that seems so bleak without my mother, my protector, my defender, my friend.

This again?

The problem with being a planner is that for things to go exactly the way you have envisioned, you must be the one in control. While I often have delusions of grandeur and believe that I am, in fact, in control, I am definitely not. If I were, things would go very differently.



Here's the week I've had.....



The apartment that I've been planning to move into....don't think it's going to work out. That's been the plan since right after I got to Pennsylvania. But, alas, it's not to be.



Today I thought I had found a great deal only to be dissappointed again.



I thought that I had done well to make it to work on time even though the roads were icy, only to fall in the parking lot and miss the day of work because my lip was so swollen I couldn't talk and I was in so much pain I could barely walk.



Some issues I thought I had already worked through reared their ugly heads and took me back to a place I would give anything not to ever visit again. Not only do I have to work through that all over again, it is a painful reminder of why I am here and alone....and I have to feel that all over again also.



All in all, not the best week I've had in a while.



So I pose this question: Are these roadblocks detrimental to the journey or growth exercises for my emotional health?



Since the first 3 examples are only minor inconveniences that I'm sure will work themselves out, I'd like to focus on the last. As the issues are of a delicate nature involving an innocent party, I'm going to ask you to blindly follow me with very little detail. Think of it as a trust exercise. The bottom line is that I have to accept that things work out for some people and not for others. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. You can go through life doing everything that you know is right. You can read all the books and be more prepared than anyone. Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference.



As I analyze my emotions regarding this situation, I feel the anger rising. It's not fair. When you study for a test and know all the answers, it stands to reason that you should get an A. I did everything possible to make sure that I was prepared for marriage. I had read all the books, listened to advice from wise & learned friends with long, successful marriages, prayed for God's guidance. I had really put the time into preparing for this step. I was ready. So what went wrong? Why, even though I knew enough to ace the test, did I get a D(ivorce)?


As I finished that last paragraph, I heard the answer. That still, small voice that you only hear in quiet moments of earnestly seeking the answer....I made sure I was prepared, but I chose a lab partner who breezed through the cliff notes and said good enough.

To be fair, I did not know this at the time. He said all the right things and appeared to have put in the work, too. That's the problem with "good enough" people. They are excellent at making you think they are on the same page with you. In fact, they could care less about being prepared and doing their best. Their goal in life is to know just enough to say the right things to ambush some unsuspecting person to take them in. This obliterates their obligation to be competent at anything. The other side of that coin....there will always be a planner/caretaker looking for someone who needs them who will be duped by this treachery.

As I make this post-divorce journey, I am finding more and more that just when you think that you've put an issue away, something will come along to make you face it again. Is this because of some fault in my character? I don't think so. Is it because I obsess about my mistakes? Maybe a little, but I don't think that is the entire story. I think the best explanation is that sometimes we need to be reminded of what we've overcome so that we don't fall into the same trap again. It would be quite simple for me to say, "Ok, that didn't work out. Moving on." and never give it a second thought. But how would that benefit me? It doesn't.

While it's not healthy to become stuck in the revolving door of constantly reliving experiences, I think it is a good idea to periodically revisit issues and make sure that you are still progressing. If you are not so inclined as to do this for yourself, don't worry. Life has a way of forcing you to do what you should be doing for yourself. Accept it. Embrace it. Learn to love it, baby. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to the next issue you thought you'd moved past. They only become roadblocks if you keep running into the same one over and over and over and over......

What if?

I have come to hate this phrase. It has ruined more opportunities in my life than you can possibly imagine. The problem is that when I hear this phrase, I don't just hear it once. It runs over and over and over in my head with a thousand different endings and possibilites...none of them ever good. They usually go something like this.....



What if I fail?



What if I don't get the job?



What if they don't like me?



What if I die?



What if he leaves me?



What if I lose?



For far too long, this is how I've lived my life, thinking that if I just stay where I am and don't do or say anything, nothing bad will happen. Because of that, I have a very long list of things I have never tried. I feel like that Meg Ryan line from "You've Got Mail"...."I've lived a small life, valuable, but small." Now that I've lived through something I thought would kill me...some days, I think it still may....I'm determined to try some of those things I've been afraid of.



If you know me, you would be shocked and amazed at some of the things I'm planning to try. Nothing outrageous by most standards, but definitely off the charts for me. Dad is going to teach me to shoot a gun. My brother has volunteered to take me fishing. Carol has made it her pet project to get me to take a motorcycle riding course with her....and get me on skis...and get me to sing karaoke. I'm realizing that Carol may be a bad influence.


When you're in the middle of something that you fear may be your demise, the old saying that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' just seems like salt in the wounds. However, once you are able to step back and gain some perspective, you realize that it really is true. So if you've already lived through the worst, what is there to be afraid of?


I'd like to revise my "what if" list.


What if I succeed?


What if I live a full and happy life instead of living in fear?


What if everyone loves me?


What if I win? What if I win big?


I don't really put much stock in New Years' resolutions. Those fade away before it's time to turn the page on the calendar. What I propose is a change of perspective, of direction for 2010. I intend to enjoy naps on the couch with my nephew because he won't be this little for long. I intend to learn all I can because knowledge is power. I intend to love even when it hurts. I intend to really live instead of saying what if.