I'd like to begin this post with an apology for my absence and a few updates. While I'm not yet ready to name names, I will admit that I have been a little preoccupied with a certain person who is more than a passing acquaintance and have not had a lot of spare time for blogging. Grill me if you must, but for now my lips are sealed. That's all you're getting on the subject for now. In other news, I have crossed something off my "afraid to try" list. I am here to report that I have shot a gun, actually enjoyed it, and no one was harmed. I highly recommend trying something that you've always been afraid to do.
Now, for the real story....
Anyone who says hard work doesn't pay off has no idea what he is talking about. It does, but it's a long term investment not a get rich quick scheme. For nearly 2 years, I have been reading the book Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. Please do not ask what page I'm on. Let's just say there has been a lot of repetition...and I had to start over at one point. Not an easy or entertaining read, but I am determined to finish it. Today, however, I discovered that it has not been a colossal waste of time.
One of the downfalls of divorce is that, even though your connection to this person has been legally severed, there are aspects of your life that refuse to acknowledge this. Car loans are definitely more iron clad than a marriage contract. Because of this, I do occasionally still have to acquiesce the existence of my ex. Today, much to my chagrin, was one of those times.
My conversation with him today began as most with him do - lots of talking without really saying anything. Once I managed to move him past this stage, unfortunately, he moved to more dangerous waters - why we didn't work. Without hesitation, I told him it was water under the bridge that had long since past. Not long ago, the mere fact that he called me would have sent me into a tailspin. Now, here I was talking to him without crying, without panic AND telling him to let it go. Was I living in a parallel universe? Had my body been taken over by aliens? How could I stand there and calmly tell him that after all he had done to me? I have a right to be hurt and angry. He did me wrong and then left me, after all.
Epiphany of the day - Holding on to the pain and the anger, even though I have every right to feel those things, does not hurt him. It only eats away at me from the inside and ruins my life.
So the choice is this...I can either hold onto the animosity and anguish that I am entitled to feel as a betrayed ex wife and let him continue to have control over my life. OR...I can take that power back from him and let go of those counterproductive emotions and move on. Yes, he now gets to go through life feeling like he got away with something because I'm no longer punishing him. I got something, too. I got my life back. I got my sense of empowerment back. I got freedom from him. That is worth more to me than proving that I was right and he was wrong. That forgiveness was for me.
Tonight, ringing through my mind is the old slave spiritual, "Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!".
