Remind Me, Dear Lord

I have a confession. This morning was pity party time, attendance 1. I've been here a whole week and still don't have all my things unpacked. It's harder organizing and combining two households than I remembered. I've been here a whole week and have had no calls about any of the applications and resumes that I've sent out.

This is not how things were supposed to go. I had a plan.

I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere in my life I got the notion that my self-worth should be directly connected to my performance, namely schoolwork when I was younger and then employment. If I did well in that area, I was valuable. If I did poorly, not so valuable.

That's how I became a workaholic....and now I'm in detox and hating it.

When the pity party was over and I realized that I'd wasted half the day, I decided to be a little productive and run some errands. As I was leaving the bank, I spied across the street a thrift store. Have I mentioned how much I love getting a good deal?

What I didn't realize before I went in was that this thrift store is part of the rescue mission across the street. So as I was perusing housewares for picture frames, baskets, and such, across the store two ladies were discussing the shelters they've lived in so far while they helped their kids pick the clothes the mission was giving them so they would have something to wear to school.

Ashamed of myself, I took my 2 small items to the register and politely wished the clerk a good day. As I got in my safe, comfortable truck, I thanked God for the paycheck I had just put in the bank, for the things I have, the food I was going to buy at the grocery store....and, yes, for the job I don't have yet but that I'm attempting to wait patiently for because I know He will supply just as He always has. In the back of my mind, I though of this old Dottie Rambo song I learned as a child.

Roll back the curtain of memories now and then
Show me where you brought me from
Oh, and where I could have been
Remember I’m human, and humans forget
So remind me, remind me dear Lord

Most of all, thank you, God, for sending me to the thrift store today for my reality check.

Turn the Page

Yes, I did shamelessly borrow my title from Bob Seger. In my defense, he really does rock and I think my stress level allows for low creativity levels. They are connected, believe it or not.

Stress...did someone say stress? Oh yes, my friend, that is where I have been living the last few weeks. Packing, driving a moving truck across 2 states, leaving my job - I can't believe I've done it, but I have. This is my last blog from Pennsylvania. When I started this blog it was to save my sanity. I only knew that I had to hang on because I had survived that marriage for a reason. God had a purpose in my life even if I had no idea what it was.

Now, here I am writing about moving on....really moving on, not merely saying it. No more baby steps. I'm scared to death but so incredibly excited. What could be better than being able to look toward the future and knowing without a doubt that it's going to be wonderful?

Tonight, I have nothing profound to share. No words of wisdom. I wanted to share my joy and hope that it encourages you that there is hope. That's not just a random word that only applies to other people. No matter how bad things are right now, they will get better. I won't lie - it's hard to get there. The struggle is not for the weak, but you're stronger than you know. Don't give up. Keep taking those baby steps. As long as you're going in the right direction, you'll get there eventually and it will get easier. I promise. It's not just words. I'm the proof that it really does happen.

Tomorrow, I will pick up the love of my life, leave the life I've built over the last three years, and we will start a whole new chapter in our lives. Can't wait to see what we'll write on that new page.

On the Road Again....

I'm beginning to believe that I may be part Hebrew. The first move of my adult life was to Indiana; I'm now returning to Indiana. Luke & I have been together for over a year; Luke & I dated in high school. Like Moses, I'm wandering in a desert hoping to get where I'm supposed to be. I only hope it doesn't take the next 40 years. On the other hand, some destinations deserve a second visit.

There are some things, though, that I just can't figure out about progress. Why is it that we have to leave what is safe and comfortable in order to grow? Why can't we stay where we are warm and sheltered and happy? It starts with being expelled from our mothers' wombs and continues the rest of our lives. If we are ever going to flourish and advance, we have to be able to let go and move on.

It's not an easy process. I've done it before and I'm getting ready to do it again. Last Friday, I walked into my manager's office and handed her my two week notice. The moving truck is reserved. As much as I cannot wait to be with the man of my dreams, the love of my life, I can't help but look back over the moves of the past that have brought me here.

When I came to Pennsylvania, I had the day before filed for divorce. I was distraught and thought that life would never go on. I didn't even want it to. There were days that the only reason I got out of bed was to keep Dad from fussing that I had to move on. I didn't want him to worry. Fortunately, he cared enough for both of us because I didn't care at all. The world could have stopped. I wouldn't have noticed.

Day by day, I put one foot in front of the other. I went to work. I built a small circle of friends - no small feat for a person with trust issues who assumes everyone is a serial killer until they prove otherwise.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point, this started to feel like home. What are those? Are those little rootlets I've put down? Ahhh, that's nice. It's wonderful to feel like I belong.

But.....

Now I have to pull those roots out of the ground that has been my refuge for the past 3 years. I ran here when I had nowhere to go. This has been my safe place when the world was cold and scary. How can I leave? Even for him?

But.....

I will go. There will be tears. There will be days that I want nothing more than to call the girls to have a shopping day before Christmas, to call Carol and ask if Sophie has time for a play date with Auntie Sarah. Eventually Indiana will be home, just as Pennsylvania has been, though neither will ever compare with my true home of West Virginia. There will be new friends, different from the old. Old friends are never replaced. Luckily, there's always room for more friends, more love, more memories. One day I'll look back at this move and it won't seem as traumatic as it seems now.

God has blessed me with so much over the last 3 years. Sometimes blessings mean a change of direction in life. It's nice to be moving toward something wonderful instead of trying to find a shelter from the storm, but I know I'll have that, too, when the next storm comes along.