This evening I had an epiphany. I know, I say that a lot, but I really like that word. This realization honestly was big enough to merit the elite status of epiphany. Hold on to your hats, seats, or any stray children that may be blown away by this announcement: I think God is OCD.
Before you start screaming sacrilege and get ready to excommunicate me, let me explain.
I've spent the last few hours chatting online with a friend, our usual routine. During the course of the conversation, the discussion turned to the serious subject of my divorce. We had not previously discussed this and he didn't know the details since we've reconnected via Facebook post-divorce.
As I was regaling him with the drama that is my life, I began telling him how things have come together in amazing ways. For instance, even though I made a misinformed decision (I am choosing to stay positive and NOT call it a mistake) that led me to marry someone who lived far away from any of my family, allowing him the opportunity to isolate me, what are the odds that he would live in the next town from 2 of my very best friends in the entire world? God put those friends in my life almost 10 years before I met my ex. Through one of those friends, God introduced me to my very dear friends who pastor and counsel. When I was trying to hold things together, they were there to offer counseling, prayer, strength, wisdom....anything I needed.
This was the first time that I had thought of things in this context. While I was typing the words on the screen, I was overwhelmed by the love and peace of God. To think that He is supremely prepared, even for our mistakes, and makes provision for us before we even encounter the situation is an awesome concept. Through this conversation, God brought to life in a new way this verse: "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 NIV.
Even as I type this story again, it is astonishing to me that God looked down the road and saw where I would be and what I would need and put people in my life TEN YEARS before I needed them, just to make sure that I had what I needed when I needed it. How much does He love us to be that prepared? So, yes, I have decided that God is a little OCD.
Tonight, I am filled with praise and love for my God who prepares our way before us. He does not lead us in paths that He has not already travelled.
He is our El De'ot, the God of knowledge, having perfect knowledge of all things from beginning to end.
He is El Rachum, the God of compassion. He is touched by our pain, our infirmities.
He is El Roi, the God who sees me, even in my affliction.
He is El Shaddai, the all sufficient God.
He is Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord that provides.
He is Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord that heals.
The list of ways that God reveals Himself and His love for us is never ending. We are the apples of His eye, the loves of His life. I don't know about you, but I feel much safer living my life now that I have realized that, no matter how many mistakes I will make - and I will make them - my God already knows what they are and has a bailout plan prepared. Tonight, I go to bed feeling a little less OCD knowing that God already is more prepared than I ever will be.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The things she'll never see.....
This evening I've been on an inexplicable crying jag. It's not the anniversary of anything. I haven't been delving into the photo archives. Nothing happened to upset me. Nevertheless, I feel this overwhelming longing to hear my mother's voice, to be able to tell her everything that's been happening lately. This doesn't happen as often as it used to, but when it does it hurts just as much as it did the first time I realized that I would never, ever on this earth have the comfort of knowing that I could run to her with my problems.
As I sat in front of the computer contemplating why I feel this way, the screen saver began its never ending parade of photos, old and new. The old ones were oddly comforting. The new ones were the ones that today tore at my heart. I looked at how much Daniel has grown and instead saw all of his milestones that she'll never see....this beautiful grandson that carries her blood who will never get to know what an amazing woman his grandmother was. My cousins who loved to bake with Aunt Pam when she came to visit....she'll never see them walk down the aisle as breathtaking brides. If I ever do again find love, she won't be there to make sure that I don't make the same mistake twice. It took us so long to build the relationship and the friendship that we had the last few months of her life, only to have it snatched away too quickly.
Tonight I weep, not for the past, but for the future that seems so bleak without my mother, my protector, my defender, my friend.
As I sat in front of the computer contemplating why I feel this way, the screen saver began its never ending parade of photos, old and new. The old ones were oddly comforting. The new ones were the ones that today tore at my heart. I looked at how much Daniel has grown and instead saw all of his milestones that she'll never see....this beautiful grandson that carries her blood who will never get to know what an amazing woman his grandmother was. My cousins who loved to bake with Aunt Pam when she came to visit....she'll never see them walk down the aisle as breathtaking brides. If I ever do again find love, she won't be there to make sure that I don't make the same mistake twice. It took us so long to build the relationship and the friendship that we had the last few months of her life, only to have it snatched away too quickly.
Tonight I weep, not for the past, but for the future that seems so bleak without my mother, my protector, my defender, my friend.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
This again?
The problem with being a planner is that for things to go exactly the way you have envisioned, you must be the one in control. While I often have delusions of grandeur and believe that I am, in fact, in control, I am definitely not. If I were, things would go very differently.
Here's the week I've had.....
The apartment that I've been planning to move into....don't think it's going to work out. That's been the plan since right after I got to Pennsylvania. But, alas, it's not to be.
Today I thought I had found a great deal only to be dissappointed again.
I thought that I had done well to make it to work on time even though the roads were icy, only to fall in the parking lot and miss the day of work because my lip was so swollen I couldn't talk and I was in so much pain I could barely walk.
Some issues I thought I had already worked through reared their ugly heads and took me back to a place I would give anything not to ever visit again. Not only do I have to work through that all over again, it is a painful reminder of why I am here and alone....and I have to feel that all over again also.
All in all, not the best week I've had in a while.
So I pose this question: Are these roadblocks detrimental to the journey or growth exercises for my emotional health?
Since the first 3 examples are only minor inconveniences that I'm sure will work themselves out, I'd like to focus on the last. As the issues are of a delicate nature involving an innocent party, I'm going to ask you to blindly follow me with very little detail. Think of it as a trust exercise. The bottom line is that I have to accept that things work out for some people and not for others. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. You can go through life doing everything that you know is right. You can read all the books and be more prepared than anyone. Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference.
As I analyze my emotions regarding this situation, I feel the anger rising. It's not fair. When you study for a test and know all the answers, it stands to reason that you should get an A. I did everything possible to make sure that I was prepared for marriage. I had read all the books, listened to advice from wise & learned friends with long, successful marriages, prayed for God's guidance. I had really put the time into preparing for this step. I was ready. So what went wrong? Why, even though I knew enough to ace the test, did I get a D(ivorce)?
As I finished that last paragraph, I heard the answer. That still, small voice that you only hear in quiet moments of earnestly seeking the answer....I made sure I was prepared, but I chose a lab partner who breezed through the cliff notes and said good enough.
To be fair, I did not know this at the time. He said all the right things and appeared to have put in the work, too. That's the problem with "good enough" people. They are excellent at making you think they are on the same page with you. In fact, they could care less about being prepared and doing their best. Their goal in life is to know just enough to say the right things to ambush some unsuspecting person to take them in. This obliterates their obligation to be competent at anything. The other side of that coin....there will always be a planner/caretaker looking for someone who needs them who will be duped by this treachery.
As I make this post-divorce journey, I am finding more and more that just when you think that you've put an issue away, something will come along to make you face it again. Is this because of some fault in my character? I don't think so. Is it because I obsess about my mistakes? Maybe a little, but I don't think that is the entire story. I think the best explanation is that sometimes we need to be reminded of what we've overcome so that we don't fall into the same trap again. It would be quite simple for me to say, "Ok, that didn't work out. Moving on." and never give it a second thought. But how would that benefit me? It doesn't.
While it's not healthy to become stuck in the revolving door of constantly reliving experiences, I think it is a good idea to periodically revisit issues and make sure that you are still progressing. If you are not so inclined as to do this for yourself, don't worry. Life has a way of forcing you to do what you should be doing for yourself. Accept it. Embrace it. Learn to love it, baby. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to the next issue you thought you'd moved past. They only become roadblocks if you keep running into the same one over and over and over and over......
Here's the week I've had.....
The apartment that I've been planning to move into....don't think it's going to work out. That's been the plan since right after I got to Pennsylvania. But, alas, it's not to be.
Today I thought I had found a great deal only to be dissappointed again.
I thought that I had done well to make it to work on time even though the roads were icy, only to fall in the parking lot and miss the day of work because my lip was so swollen I couldn't talk and I was in so much pain I could barely walk.
Some issues I thought I had already worked through reared their ugly heads and took me back to a place I would give anything not to ever visit again. Not only do I have to work through that all over again, it is a painful reminder of why I am here and alone....and I have to feel that all over again also.
All in all, not the best week I've had in a while.
So I pose this question: Are these roadblocks detrimental to the journey or growth exercises for my emotional health?
Since the first 3 examples are only minor inconveniences that I'm sure will work themselves out, I'd like to focus on the last. As the issues are of a delicate nature involving an innocent party, I'm going to ask you to blindly follow me with very little detail. Think of it as a trust exercise. The bottom line is that I have to accept that things work out for some people and not for others. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. You can go through life doing everything that you know is right. You can read all the books and be more prepared than anyone. Sometimes it just doesn't make a difference.
As I analyze my emotions regarding this situation, I feel the anger rising. It's not fair. When you study for a test and know all the answers, it stands to reason that you should get an A. I did everything possible to make sure that I was prepared for marriage. I had read all the books, listened to advice from wise & learned friends with long, successful marriages, prayed for God's guidance. I had really put the time into preparing for this step. I was ready. So what went wrong? Why, even though I knew enough to ace the test, did I get a D(ivorce)?
As I finished that last paragraph, I heard the answer. That still, small voice that you only hear in quiet moments of earnestly seeking the answer....I made sure I was prepared, but I chose a lab partner who breezed through the cliff notes and said good enough.
To be fair, I did not know this at the time. He said all the right things and appeared to have put in the work, too. That's the problem with "good enough" people. They are excellent at making you think they are on the same page with you. In fact, they could care less about being prepared and doing their best. Their goal in life is to know just enough to say the right things to ambush some unsuspecting person to take them in. This obliterates their obligation to be competent at anything. The other side of that coin....there will always be a planner/caretaker looking for someone who needs them who will be duped by this treachery.
As I make this post-divorce journey, I am finding more and more that just when you think that you've put an issue away, something will come along to make you face it again. Is this because of some fault in my character? I don't think so. Is it because I obsess about my mistakes? Maybe a little, but I don't think that is the entire story. I think the best explanation is that sometimes we need to be reminded of what we've overcome so that we don't fall into the same trap again. It would be quite simple for me to say, "Ok, that didn't work out. Moving on." and never give it a second thought. But how would that benefit me? It doesn't.
While it's not healthy to become stuck in the revolving door of constantly reliving experiences, I think it is a good idea to periodically revisit issues and make sure that you are still progressing. If you are not so inclined as to do this for yourself, don't worry. Life has a way of forcing you to do what you should be doing for yourself. Accept it. Embrace it. Learn to love it, baby. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to the next issue you thought you'd moved past. They only become roadblocks if you keep running into the same one over and over and over and over......
Monday, January 11, 2010
What if?
I have come to hate this phrase. It has ruined more opportunities in my life than you can possibly imagine. The problem is that when I hear this phrase, I don't just hear it once. It runs over and over and over in my head with a thousand different endings and possibilites...none of them ever good. They usually go something like this.....
What if I fail?
What if I don't get the job?
What if they don't like me?
What if I die?
What if he leaves me?
What if I lose?
For far too long, this is how I've lived my life, thinking that if I just stay where I am and don't do or say anything, nothing bad will happen. Because of that, I have a very long list of things I have never tried. I feel like that Meg Ryan line from "You've Got Mail"...."I've lived a small life, valuable, but small." Now that I've lived through something I thought would kill me...some days, I think it still may....I'm determined to try some of those things I've been afraid of.
If you know me, you would be shocked and amazed at some of the things I'm planning to try. Nothing outrageous by most standards, but definitely off the charts for me. Dad is going to teach me to shoot a gun. My brother has volunteered to take me fishing. Carol has made it her pet project to get me to take a motorcycle riding course with her....and get me on skis...and get me to sing karaoke. I'm realizing that Carol may be a bad influence.
When you're in the middle of something that you fear may be your demise, the old saying that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' just seems like salt in the wounds. However, once you are able to step back and gain some perspective, you realize that it really is true. So if you've already lived through the worst, what is there to be afraid of?
I'd like to revise my "what if" list.
What if I succeed?
What if I live a full and happy life instead of living in fear?
What if everyone loves me?
What if I win? What if I win big?
I don't really put much stock in New Years' resolutions. Those fade away before it's time to turn the page on the calendar. What I propose is a change of perspective, of direction for 2010. I intend to enjoy naps on the couch with my nephew because he won't be this little for long. I intend to learn all I can because knowledge is power. I intend to love even when it hurts. I intend to really live instead of saying what if.
What if I fail?
What if I don't get the job?
What if they don't like me?
What if I die?
What if he leaves me?
What if I lose?
For far too long, this is how I've lived my life, thinking that if I just stay where I am and don't do or say anything, nothing bad will happen. Because of that, I have a very long list of things I have never tried. I feel like that Meg Ryan line from "You've Got Mail"...."I've lived a small life, valuable, but small." Now that I've lived through something I thought would kill me...some days, I think it still may....I'm determined to try some of those things I've been afraid of.
If you know me, you would be shocked and amazed at some of the things I'm planning to try. Nothing outrageous by most standards, but definitely off the charts for me. Dad is going to teach me to shoot a gun. My brother has volunteered to take me fishing. Carol has made it her pet project to get me to take a motorcycle riding course with her....and get me on skis...and get me to sing karaoke. I'm realizing that Carol may be a bad influence.
When you're in the middle of something that you fear may be your demise, the old saying that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' just seems like salt in the wounds. However, once you are able to step back and gain some perspective, you realize that it really is true. So if you've already lived through the worst, what is there to be afraid of?
I'd like to revise my "what if" list.
What if I succeed?
What if I live a full and happy life instead of living in fear?
What if everyone loves me?
What if I win? What if I win big?
I don't really put much stock in New Years' resolutions. Those fade away before it's time to turn the page on the calendar. What I propose is a change of perspective, of direction for 2010. I intend to enjoy naps on the couch with my nephew because he won't be this little for long. I intend to learn all I can because knowledge is power. I intend to love even when it hurts. I intend to really live instead of saying what if.
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