The lesson in class Sunday was about the passage in John 21 when Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him. The problem is that Peter didn't even know what he was saying. Yes, he said that he loved Jesus - and he believed that he did. What he didn't know was the real meaning of love. I think we all run into this problem from time to time.
Another word that we bandy about is trust. This one has caused me problems for....well, my entire life. I just didn't realize it. It's easy to say, "Sure, I trust God to take care of everything. He's God and I know that He can." I've said it a million times. Usually while the words are still coming out of my mouth, I'm already formulating a way that I can take care of it myself. I've justified it by telling myself that maybe this is the way God chose to answer, that He helps those who help themselves so I should definitely forge ahead with this brilliant plan. After all, He's the one who gave me the solution.
Really?
I'm not saying He can't work that way. I'm saying that He couldn't have with me because I wasn't listening and couldn't have heard Him give me an answer to my problem if He'd been sitting next to me yelling through a bullhorn.
My latest trust evaluation has been my job search. Every time I have an interview I think that this is going to be the one. I just know that God is going to provide me with a great job and this is going to be it. And I believe it right up to the moment that I find out that I didn't get the job. Then I fall to pieces and the questions come.
- Why wasn't I good enough?
- Why did God let me down?
- Doesn't He understand how much I need this job?
- Why does He help everyone else but not me?
Yes, folks, that's been my bright shining example of trust.
A few weeks ago, I decided to change the way I had been praying about the situation. I decided to honestly pray that God gives me the job that HE thinks is perfect for me. I told Him that I know He can see much further down the road than I can and that I trust Him to provide a secure job with a company that I can stay with long-term, where I'll be happy and fulfilled in my work - all important things that I'm looking for.
My last interview was with a great company that does accounting for churches all over the country. Perfect! It's the field I want to be working in. It's a company that helps churches and non-profit agencies so that I would feel I was contributing to their ministries. The people there were incredibly nice. It seemed like the perfect opportunity.
This is where the trusting became extremely difficult. This is where I was really put to the test in praying about this job. I wanted so badly to ask that God give me this job. How could He not? I was everything they said they were looking for and they are everything that I put on my wish list. I wanted to just name it and claim it, but something was holding me back.
There was a small voice that kept doggedly reminding me that I've jumped in with both feet before because I thought it was perfect and it didn't turn out so well. It had nothing to do with doubting that this was a great opportunity to work for a fabulous company. I still believe that. It wasn't even a lack of faith in my ability to make sound judgements.
Instead it kept reminding me that God knows what is best, what is down the road for me and for this company, and that I needed to trust Him to provide what I need, not what I think I want. Ouch.
So I changed my tune. I began praying again that God put me where I need to be. I know that He will provide and I trust Him to do that in His way and time, not mine. Last night, driving home from dropping Melissa off, I told Luke that I really felt at peace about it no matter whether I go the job or not. That was the first time I really, truly felt that. Always before there was an overwhelming apprehension of wondering how things were going to work if I didn't get the job.
This morning was the big epiphany, though. I was contemplating my trust issues and how they have affected my life and relationships, not just with God. There was the nagging voice again with just one question: "If you trust Me, why do you still try to do it yourself?" I was so stunned I stopped in my tracks right there on the stairs. When I ask Luke to do something for me, I know that he'll take care of it. I don't ask and then do it myself. I don't micromanage to make sure he's doing it the way I think is best. I know that he loves me and he'll get the job done.
So why do I insist on micromanaging the Creator of everything who has been running the universe without my help for centuries and ages?
I heard someone say recently that trusting a job to provide for you financially is like saying the water in your kitchen comes from a faucet. That's not the source; that's just the vehicle that brought it into your house. Having a job doesn't make me secure. Trusting my Heavenly Father to provide for me according to His riches in glory does that. He is the source of all that I have and all that I need.
After all that learning, you think I go the job don't you? Not this time. I have to admit that I'm very disappointed. I really wanted this to be the way that He chose to open the door. I'm not sure why He didn't, but I don't have to. I trust Him. After all, Father does know best.
